The Patriot Alarm

Roundup

2006-07-28T15:43:00.000-04:00

Every few months, it seemed like it would come up that I hadn't yet seen Forrest Gump. I guess it's one of those movies that everyone expects you to have seen. So when a friend offers to lend it to you, what else to do but see it?

I liked it a lot. I also think it was probably for the best that I waited to see it. A few years ago, I doubt I would have picked up on some of the references, like Bear Bryant on the Alabama sideline.

A couple nights ago I saw Clerks II. I enjoyed it, and thought it was a worthy follow-up to the original Clerks, but it was still missing some of its predecessor's charm. So it goes.

After what seemed like months of video game-free existence, I've been playing three games over the last couple weeks. God of War, a violent, simplistic action game, is fun but ultimately boring. I do appreciate its references to Greek mythology, though.

Battlefield 2 didn't live up to the hype: it seems like a timesink that's more frustrating than fun. The aircraft completely unbalance the game, and it nevers feels like an organized battle. Even if players organize into squads, it often devolves into lemming-like combat with death much too frequent. Disappointing.

Shadow of the Colossus, however, is exactly the kind of game I love. With a unique, flowing visual style and fantastic music, it feels more like an experience than a video game. There are no superfluous enemies to fight. Instead, the protagonist travels alone with his horse through the vivid
game world in search of one of sixteen massive, living colossi. When he finds one, he must scale the immense creature and stab its glowing weak areas. While the game's awesome sense of adventure and solitude is tempered by the irritating camera (which is often more of an enemy than the colossi), it's an awesome trip.

Crossroads

2006-07-27T22:02:00.000-04:00

I was driving by Crossroads Community Church on Madison Road a few days ago and was struck by the text on its sign: "A Real Place for Real People."

The inference it creates, warranted or not, is that its members are more "real" and somehow more a part of the world. This is the height of irony.

Crossroads is undeniably a megachurch; its aesthetics were even planned by a theme park designer. Although some, like its Senior Pastor, Brian Tome, would argue that this makes kids and "young people" more favorable towards the prospect of attending church, I think it's messed up.

I freely admit that I've never attended Crossroads and don't really know what goes on in there. I'm not even Christian. But I do know that Tome won't let open homosexuals teach there, and that Crossroads is, in the end, a McChurch: an ostentatious, commercialized attempt to sell people an inferior product. Crossroads likes to act like it's modern, open-minded and broadly non-denominational. The Episcopal Church consecrates an openly gay bishop; Crossroads won't even let an open homosexual teach.

There was a time when I disliked Christianity in general. That was a silly, stupid and wrong time. Eventually, I realized what I dislike so much are these farces of religion, these arrogant McChurches that claim to be "real places for real people." They're not "real" places. They're mere show and glitz with dark cores.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned. Maybe I'm out of touch. But I think the best way to learn religion is in a small group, or, even better, by yourself. It shouldn't be as a member of a massive hive mind. It should be in a serene place hopefully free of the cheap excesses and dark illusions of modern society.

In the rush to bring "young people" to Christianity, they've compromised their religion.

Would Jesus bulid a megachurch?

Einstein the player

2006-07-10T17:01:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Albert Einstein had six girlfriends on the side.

For some reason, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he often mixed up their names. If he can't remember his phone number...

This is how to do it

2006-06-27T01:24:00.000-04:00

Warren Buffett is the man.

He's giving THIRTY-SEVEN BILLION dollars to Bill Gate's charity.

He lives in the same house he bought in 1958 for $31,500.

He is for the estate tax and intends to give his kids and grandchildren little of his wealth.

Basically, he kicks the absolute shit out of the Walton family.

Don't touch that

2006-06-15T17:31:00.000-04:00

Some time ago, Pope John Paul II told Stephen Hawking not to study the universe's beginning because "that was the moment of creation and the work of God."

I'd never claim to be an expert on Catholicism, but according to the religion's basic principles, isn't most everything the work of God? I guess he was trying to say that creation itself is too sacrosanct for study, but the statement itself is incredibly derivative. Well, yes, the universe's beginning would be the moment of creation, and I'm sure Stephen Hawking of all people needed that to be told to him.

The entire quote:

"It's OK to study the universe and where it began. But we should not enquire into the beginning itself because that was the moment of creation and the work of God."

I'm done needling the Pope. It's just not fun anymore.

Creation

2006-06-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

For someone who says he wants to be an author when he grows up, I've done astonishingly little creative writing. I decided it was time to change that. We'll see how it goes. We'll see if I can create something interesting, writing about what I know. If it's like my past efforts, it'll die quietly to be forever forgotten. Maybe not. Hopefully not.

Racist

2006-06-11T19:22:00.000-04:00

So is "intelligent", content-based advertising racist? Or does it merely target specific sectors of the population? I have to wonder.

McCain: Flip-flopper?

2006-06-11T02:58:00.000-04:00

So I wrote this a couple months ago for Government Perspectives and never posted it. I think it was a decent piece of political commentary, even though I doubt anyone actually read it. It's all practice anyway, right?

America loves a maverick, and John McCain, celebrated war veteran and current senior senator from Arizona, fits the bill. McCain, who is almost always labeled "maverick senator John McCain" when mentioned in print, is a Republican many Democrats will admit to actually liking. He often reaches across the aisle and has orchestrated the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform bill and the recent McCain-Kennedy immigration bill, among others. McCain is a member of the so-called "Gang of 14," an informal, influential group of fourteen moderate Republicans and Democrats in the Senate. Recently Time named him one of America's ten best senators.

In 2000 McCain unsuccessfully ran for the Republican presidential nomination. Although he was arguably more broadly appealing than George W. Bush, he was unable to win the polarized primary election. While McCain attracted far more independents' votes, he did not have nearly as strong a base among devout Republicans. Furthermore, McCain was the victim of a devious smear campaign orchestrated by the king of smear campaigns, Bush political strategist Karl Rove.

According to The Dallas Morning News's Wayne Slater, Rove was behind a series of so-called "push polls" in the 2000 South Carolina primary. Callers asked potential voters if they would vote for McCain if they knew that he had fathered an illegitimate black child. The pollers didn't mention that McCain and his wife had adopted the girl from Bangladesh. Although Rove denied his involvement, many media sources concluded otherwise.

Following the 2000 election, McCain's apparent crossover appeal intrigued Democrats. In 2001, Joshua Green of the Washington Monthly published an article encouraging him to "make the big switch" to the Democratic Party, and argued that he "is no longer in any meaningful sense a contemporary Republican." Although McCain pledged his support for Bush's re-election campaign, in 2004 John Kerry was rumored to have asked him to run as his vice-presidential candidate. McCain denied these claims and commented, "I do not want to leave the Republican Party."

As the 2008 Presidential election approaches in the distance, McCain is a favored pick for the Republican nomination. Many centrists, faced with the prospect of polarized candidates, enthusiastically responded to McCain. Yet as 2008 nears, his recent actions have apparently tilted him to the right.

This trend most clearly began when he firmly supported Bush for the 2004 election. McCain, having so bitterly opposed Bush during the 2000 primaries, ostensibly made peace with his former rival, the man whose campaign viciously smeared him. Recently he has reconciled with religious demagogue Jerry Falwell, who McCain earlier dubbed an "agent of intolerance." Falwell stated that McCain is "clearly an advocate of the husband-female family."

After he was criticized for voting to renew Bush's tax cuts, McCain explained that doing otherwise would constitute raising taxes. That's iffy logic from the "straight talker." Bush's tax cuts weren't really supposed to be permanent: voting against them wouldn't exactly "raise" taxes.

McCain has also expressed support for South Dakota's basically unconstitutional (if you're going by Roe v. Wade, that is) abortion bill, if it exempted victims of incest and rape. Of course, the bill didn't, and McCain's remarks were pure political posturing. Back in 1999, McCain told the San Francisco Chronicle that he did not support the repeal of Roe v. Wade. What does he actually think?

McCain's overall voting record shows him to indeed be a conservative. Myelectionanalysis.com asserts that although McCain is not the third most conservative member of the Senate, as the oft-cited Voteview.com concludes, he is in the middle of the conservative pack. McCain is a member of the Gang of 14, but is not, as many would attempt to portray him, truly a centrist split between the Democratic and Republican parties.

He’s exactly what he claims to be: a maverick, an economic conservative, a war hawk with a socially progressive streak. And lately, he has tempered his rebellious tendencies in an attempt to win the Republican nomination that has so far eluded him.

The American Prospect recently published an article calling McCain a “very conservative Republican” and “the rightful heir of Barry Goldwater’s politics.” Many on the left clearly feel betrayed by his apparent recent rightward shift, but they’re overreacting. The media has covered McCain’s occasional mutinies simply because they’re interesting. What’s lost is all the times he’s voted as a Republican-- back in the 80s he was a prototypical Reagan conservative.

He’s not a hard-line, “dyed-in-the-wool conservative,” but he’s no Democrat either. McCain’s recent politicking, although it may be motivated by his desire for the presidency, shows that he has realized he needs to appeal to the GOP’s conservative base. While some thought he would be the perfect moderate President, he’s a moderate Republican, not a centrist.

Although Jacob Weisberg of Slate.com says that McCain is “not really a conservative,” he is. The problem is that Bush and his band of neo-conservatives have hijacked the Republican Party, and there are too few moderate Republican voices like McCain, Arlen Specter, and Lincoln Chafee. Democrats would be disappointed if they voted McCain President and discovered that he really is a conservative. He's just not one in the mold of Bush, whose like have warped the definition of conservatism.

Yet even though he's neither the hardcore right-winger nor the savior of centrism as he's been alternately portrayed, McCain has betrayed himself in his quest for the prize. His old allure was that he didn't feel the need to play to the establishment's desires. He's dangerously close to selling his soul in a gambit for the GOP nomination. Much of it may be pure politicizing, but McCain was supposed to be the guy who told voters what he really thought.

He may well become in 2008 the oldest elected president ever elected. It's doubtful that McCain has wholly eschewed his maverick tendencies, and should he win the Republican nomination, they might come flaring back. But in the meantime, he's doing both himself and the voters a grave disservice.

NASCAR sucks anyway

2006-06-09T19:27:00.000-04:00

Umm, I'm pretty sure that sponsoring a NASCAR team isn't the best way to convince people your "religion" isn't a money-grubbing sham.

But why even argue with Scientologists? Anyone stupid (or gullible) enough to believe Lord Xenu existed isn't exactly operating on the same wavelength as everybody else.

The AP article ends with this quote:

"Obviously, philosophically, everyone has different opinions."

Yeah...but in this case, the Scientologists' opinions are wrong. It's like saying, "I think people and bears can mate." It is indeed an opinion. It's just wrong.

This is the point at which I wonder why this even needed to be said. Oh well.

LGX

2006-06-08T11:04:00.000-04:00

The Larry Goetz Experience is pretty much the best video-making crew in the world.

For a while I thought film was maybe something I wanted to pursue. Then I realized the only reason our videos are awesome is because everyone else in the group is really funny. I just filmed and filtered it.

eloquor

2006-06-06T16:49:00.000-04:00

Last year’s graduation was the first I attended. I don’t think it’s truly something an underclassman can experience vicariously. I envied my friends when they graduated, but I could never see myself actually doing it. Now, senior year, graduation has loomed, quietly but constantly approaching.

When anyone asked me how I felt about graduating, my usual answer was, “I’m glad to be done.” That is, done with homework, seven classes a day, and worrying about what I’m going to be doing next fall. But this answer glosses over how I, and I think most seniors, really feel.

Our high school careers haven’t been encased forever in our diplomas. Graduation may cap our Mariemont experiences, but they can’t be so easily bottled up. Graduation provides the emphatic close to a long chapter of our lives- but it’s the end of a chapter, not the whole book. For better or worse, whatever we do after this, our time at Mariemont will always be there. It’s not going to be hung on a wall or left forgotten in a dusty attic. It’s more than a ceremony, more than paper.

Yet once we graduate, what we did in high school becomes history. We are still responsible for our accomplishments and failures over the past four years, but they are no longer everything. At this point, there is incredibly little set in stone. Even college attendance offers no guarantee of future success. Fail out of college, and no one will care that you were your high school’s valedictorian. Everyone here graduates from Mariemont. Honor cords and special accolades are things of which people should be proud- but they shouldn’t be what defines you.

We seldom get the chance to reinvent ourselves. Regardless of what we’ll be doing next fall, this chance is there. Shed the facades of high school life. My favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, wrote this: “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.” Most everybody hides behind myths and masks of their own creation. They can be helpful, but more often they are poisonous.

Don’t let these masks blind you. Often as I left Latin class, Mr. Ferry called after me, “Be good!” As our class of 2006 exits, I too say, “Be good!” But that simple goal isn’t enough. I also say this: “Do good!”

V. 2.0

2006-06-06T16:27:00.000-04:00

So it's been two and a half months since I've posted anything, and probably three or four months since I've posted anything useful. With graduation just over, it seems like the perfect time for a fresh start. The Patriot Alarm 2.0?

Recently, there haven't been any massive scandals (other than the continued incompetence of seemingly everyone related with politics) and it's been pretty quiet other than a whole ream of proposed legislation, but maybe it's not even so critical that I talk about the big stuff. Maybe it's more important that I find smaller stories that the media doesn't pick up and overhype, like big communication's attempt to create fast and slow lanes on the internet. It's the whole awareness thing: tell a few people, and hopefully they'll tell people, and it'll snowball. At least, that's what I aim for.

Maybe I'll get a little more personal this time, talk about stuff that's important to me. This isn't going to be a LiveJournal, Xanga or MySpace, but it doesn't have to read like an unsigned newspaper editorial, either.

Going with the renewal idea, I think I'm going to (egotistically) post my grad speech. Isn't it always great to start again with a mass of conceit?

Doyle is dumb

2006-03-26T17:47:00.000-05:00

It's nice to be able to write with a little bit of gravitas. Gregg Doyle of CBSSportsline.com thinks he has what it takes to be a sportswriter with an actual narrative voice.

Unfortunately, the NCAA Tournament has him completely bewildered.

First, he says this:

No upsets on the first day. None. Zero.

It's not too late to change your bracket and erase that pick of No. 14 Northwestern State over No. 3 Iowa. That kind of sums up the 2006 bracket right there. Northwestern State, a No. 14 seed? Tells you all you need to know about the discrepancy this season between the top and bottom of the NCAA field.
...
Me? I'm looking ahead to the second round of this tournament, and beyond.

Northwestern State? Yep, they won. Oh, you say no one picked it?

I did.

He's right in one respect, though: it does sum up the 2006 bracket. The one that had some incredible high seeds and mid-majors, like Bradley, Wichita State, and, of course, George Mason.

Doyle tried again to play the odds. This time, he was sure to be right. After all, what were the chances of a #11 seed upsetting #1 seed UConn to take a spot in the Final Four?

Apparently, bad enough that he felt fine saying:

George Mason can't beat UConn. Not on Sunday at the Verizon Center for the region title. Not on Halloween in an empty gym. Not tomorrow at the playground. Not ever.

Again, wrong.

It's not even that his predictions are so woefully incorrect. It's more that he pronounces them like an infallible, latter-day Nostradamus speaking godly wisdom from above.

Two times the facts shoot down Gregg Doyle. How many more notches can fate take him down? How long until he's in the realm of mere basketball-watching mortals?

He and his bosses might not think so, given his tone and narrative voice, but Doyle was never that much better, that much more knowledgable than the rest of the world. He and the other "professional" analysts, like Billy Packer, know nothing more than anybody else.

If only they offered their predictions without such terrible condescension.

The pundits march on.

Really, who uses email?

2006-03-21T09:59:00.000-05:00

CNN.com reports that the FBI's current budget doesn't allow for every FBI agent to have a .gov email address.

I'm sure it's really a good idea to put national security into the hands of Gmail. Google's email is great, but I have to wonder what sort of ads would appear on the sidebar. It's more than a little scary that matters of national security could be subordinated to "public" email addresses.

As the article states, this actually isn't a huge issue, but it is representative of the government's refusal to completely fix the system that "allowed" the WTC attacks to occur.

There are so many national security issues that still need to be solved, and it seems obvious that security agencies are dragging their feet.

Delightful company

2006-03-06T21:42:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't you just love to have this guy as your roommate at Yale?

I don't have anything against the Ivy League. Really, I don't. I considered applying to Harvard just for kicks and probably would have looked at them closer if I enjoyed Northeastern weather. But regarding negative publicity...apparently regarding Yale and Harvard, when it rains, it pours.

So Yale admits a former high-up from the Taliban? I'm all for second chances, but...

My favorite quote from the article, attributed to a Yale senior:

"There's a real feeling that we don't have the right or understanding to be able to hold those regimes to the same standards."

People are people. Being part of a non-Western culture doesn't make the Taliban any less morally wrong. Why is it insensitive to criticize a farce of a government?

What is wrong is stifling the debate with faux-harmonic rhetoric that places certain subjects out of the realm of debate simply because they're not Western.

It's become a frightening tendency for high-brow liberals to be just as wrong as the dyed-in-the-wool conservatives they love to criticize. They place non-Western culture on a pedestal, reasoning that it must be better simply because it's not what we know, and what we know is bad.

What we know might be bad (or at least not ideal). But that doesn't mean what we don't know is necessarily better.

I agree with the author of the article that Yale's behavior was idiotic. But was this really necessary?

Are there no limits to how arrogant and out-of-touch America's Ivy League schools can get?

In an attempt to castigate others' foolishness, the author acts the demagogue.

I think they're all crazy.

The Harvard Label

2006-03-05T19:15:00.000-05:00

I've been reading several books on college interviews, scholarships and admissions lately, and it seems like Harvard grads are everywhere. At least, that's what one would think judging by the frequency the name of the famed university takes center stage.

"Harvard President Steps Down!"

"Harvard Grads Explain How to Get Into College!"

"Harvard Graduates Tell You How to Live Your Life!"

It's obnoxious. The media has latched onto Harvard as the end-all, be-all of collegiate existence. I'll admit I'm not immune to this name-brand disease, considering I applied to Duke and WashU. But Harvard, reigning atop the (disgusting) U.S.News & World Report rankings, is on another level entirely.

The casual observer sees Harvard as the pinnacle of American collegiate achievement, although by any standard it's clearly not. In a recent article within the U.S.News book itself, many of Harvard's students cited the faculty's aloofness and class size as major problems. The university has numerous woes regarding its undergraduate experience, but still it's seen to be the ultimate destination any great student should aspire to attend.

Its graduates always have that label attached to them, that they were "Harvard men." If someone graduated from Harvard, any bio at the end of their article or the back of their book is sure to emphasize the identity of their alma mater.

It's so easy for the media (oh no, referring to the media as a faceless group again), specifically U.S. News, to latch onto one college based on fairly arbitrary numerics and obsess over it. The media is lazy and looks for a quick story, a convenient paragon of collegia.

This policy of sloth is ultimately unfair to Harvard, its students and college-bound students. Harvard is constantly told that it's the best, that it's number one and that it doesn't have to change. Harvard President Lawrence Summers tried to fix that; but he was forced to step down, a result of both political correctness and his own diplomatic failures. His proposals' future is uncertain. Harvard's students indeed receive an excellent education, but it's moreso a result of the quality of their peers than of the quality of their classes.

Great students, many of whom would likely be a better fit at colleges outside the Ivy League and its brethren, feel like if they didn't go to Harvard or comparable schools, they didn't "win" the college game. Most of these kids will have happy college careers elsewhere, but how many are stricken by the impulse for name-brand universities and then attend institutions that aren't right for them? After all, Harvard is the ultimate brand name in secondary education.

Harvard sends out thousands upon thousands of envelopes stuffed with inviting letters recommending recipients to apply. Sure, most places do this- but why do Harvard and its ilk? It's not like they need the publicity.

No, they have a far greater purpose: the U.S.News report. The whole affair is an attempt to increase the number of their applicants, for the purpose of decreasing their percentage of accepted applicants and appearing more selective, therefore raising their stock in the rankings. This in turn causes more "qualified" students to apply to these schools...and the cycle continues.

All of this isn't necessarily Harvard's fault. What could it do to fix the situation? Let's see Harvard and the rest of the Ivy League take a page from Reed's book and refuse to participate in the U.S.News rankings. If Harvard is truly the leader of American colleges, it should take a step for the betterment of everyone.

Not that I expect Harvard, Stanford, Duke or Princeton to take this (admittedly radical) action.

After all, Harvard was the first university to use the SAT.

He's only off by a little bit

2006-03-03T20:01:00.000-05:00

And who ever said that athletes weren't in touch with reality?

A-Rod says, "This is an enormous deal. I have a brother who has 30 years in the U.S. Air Force and is a very high ranking officer and has been in two wars. When you wear this uniform, you have the opportunity to represent 400 or 500 million Americans."

Currently America's population is estimated to be around 300 million. What are an extra hundred million Americans or two?

Maybe he's including Canada. In that case, his estimate is only 70 million short.

Together again

2006-02-20T21:26:00.000-05:00

YES!!

Such amazingly, ridiculously awesome news.

Weird

2006-02-14T21:41:00.000-05:00

I was watching the (tape-delayed) Winter Olympics and saw the US's Johnny Weir move to 2nd in men's figure skating. I was surprised to see an American I'd never heard of doing well in a popular competition, so of course my first action was to look at his Wikipedia page.

A few minutes after NBC showed his performance, a couple people took it upon themselves to put in his Wikipedia profile, "He is a well-known homosexual." Seeing his interview and his lisp, I thought it was fairly likely that he was gay.

But is that a fact? For some reason, I doubt that these quick editors were scrupulous enough to actually find out. Maybe Weir's just fruity.

Either way, his sexual orientation has little bearing on his profile, which focuses only on his figure skating career. Would these people put a note in Shaun White's profile that he's a "well-known heterosexual," following his comments about impressing Sasha Cohen during an interview with Bob Costas?

I guess this proves two points. Wikipedia is cool but deeply, deeply flawed; and people just can't get over issues of sexuality.

Bald skeleton

2006-02-12T01:41:00.000-05:00

And this unfortunate occurrence would be yet another reason why pointless bureaucracy and idiot bureaucrats are trash.

Zach Lund, America's top skeleton slider (so that's their fancy name for sledding?), was banned from the Olympics as a result of his consumption of a hair-restoration pill. This medication contains a chemical that can be used to mask steroids.

Although the "Court of Arbitration for Sport" said they didn't think he cheated, they gave him a one-year suspension anyway.

!?!

How stupid can they be? There's a reason robots don't govern society: only humans have the power of reason needed to make nuanced decisions. Courts shouldn't just blindly mete out punishment because the rules recommend it. In cases such as Lund's, there are extenuating circumstances that require subjective solutions.

Lund clearly messed up. He shouldn't have taken something with a "banned" substance and should have checked the site thoroughly, especially with the Olympics so near. But what he ingested wasn't even an actual performance enhancer, and the rules were poorly worded and unclear.

Does the crime merit the punishment?

Bleh

2006-01-24T18:07:00.000-05:00

Free time can be a very not good thing.

Faux pas add up

2006-01-22T16:36:00.000-05:00

Bush is reputed to be an amazingly poor public speaker, but I was still surprised by this collection of faux pas.

While anyone who's in front of a camera that frequently is going to mess up occasionally (and those clips might span a ridiculously large period of time), I have to wonder how he got the 2000 Republican nomination. Bush is pretty good at being "angry and determined" but completely loses focus any other time he's being taped.

People say that Bush is representative of the "common man," partially because his skill at public speaking is roughly equal to that of the average guy off the street. But he's been doing this at least since 1994 (the year he was elected governor of Texas).

How much of this inability to communicate coherently is real? He's certainly had enough experience speaking before crowds of people, and I refuse to believe that anyone other than a complete idiot can be such a poor orator after 12 years of practice. But unlike many of my peers, I don't think Bush is a total halfwit.

It's not like all these remarks are off the cuff- most of these clips are from professionally-written speeches, when he should be reading from a teleprompter or a printed copy. I can't believe he mangles them so badly.

So where does this lead us?

Well, I suppose the obvious conclusion is that Bush either isn't as honest as he appears, or he's a fucking moron.

His show sucks, but..

2006-01-21T23:37:00.000-05:00

"Have you noticed that Dick Cheney has been walking around with a cane lately? He said that he really didn't need the cane. He just liked the idea that a tree had to be cut down to make it."

-Jay Leno (taken from Time Magazine)

I'm not sure that making fun of Cheney will ever get old.

Currently batting .000...

2006-01-20T14:49:00.000-05:00

Even as the U.S. works to resolve the World Baseball Classic fiasco, somehow the Bush administration manages to make the nation look bad.

"The president wanted to see it resolved in a positive way," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan commented. "Our concerns were centered on making sure that no money was going to the Castro regime and that the World Baseball Classic would not be misused by the regime for spying. We believe the concerns have been addressed."

Obviously, exhibition baseball tournaments provide a majority of the Cuban government's funding.

But more importantly, watch out, because the Cubans might spy during the baseball games! They might discover that Barry Bonds has been taking the juice! What a terribly dangerous prospect.

America strikes out

2006-01-18T21:23:00.000-05:00

For 45 years America has placed extremely strict economic sanctions on Cuba as punishment for its communism. I'm no Karl Marx, but this seems doubly ridiculous. Who does this affect more, the people of Cuba or its government? And just exactly how do the policy wonks expect Cuban communism to fall without major foreign influence? If the ultimate goal is the downfall of the current Cuban regime, this strategy isn't exactly a good answer. Actually, it's one of the worst ways America could have responded. All this policy does is play into Castro's hands, letting him play the role of the innocent victim. Good fucking job.

Recently, it's taken a baseball tournament to show the world the idiotic futility of American foreign policy regarding Cuba. The World Baseball Classic, a massive international baseball tournament that, unlike the Olympics, actually has MLB stars, is being held this March. Cuba will be among the nations competing. The tournament itself...takes place on American soil.

The current administration objected to Cuba's participation, as the tournament might result in Cuba receiving American dollars. This, of course, would be against American foreign policy. So America says that Cuba won't be allowed to take part.

Good fucking job again!

Clearly, the best way to resolve the problem of Cuba's communism is to make us the bullies and their baseball players the victims. While I'm not sure America's image could get much worse, this might not be the most effective way of ameliorating the international perception of our government.

The International Baseball Federation responded by declaring that if Cuba isn't allowed to compete, the tournament isn't going down. Is this what America has been reduced to? Do we play the part of the spoiled kid that says, "If he plays, nobody plays!"

Apparently so.

Cuba in turn offered to give any money it receives to Hurricane Katrina reconstruction efforts. Fidel Castro said, "We aren't afraid of anything. It's very difficult to compete with us in any area...not even in baseball do they want to compete with Cuba."

America gets a massive PR black eye while Cuba come out looking better than ever. Chalk up another foreign policy coup for the Bush administration.

This is how Cuban communism is going to disappear, right?

Right?

Washington loses

2006-01-16T19:28:00.000-05:00

The greatest college prank of all time.

Now I wish I'd applied to Caltech. What an institution.

The sheer audacity of the perpetrators makes this a fine American achievement.

Mike Vanderjagt..why?

2006-01-15T17:18:00.000-05:00

Is it worse when your teams just blow, or when they seem like they're going to go all the way and then fall apart?

I don't know, but it was really, really rough seeing my Colts lose to the hated Steelers by a missed field goal. I've been a Colts fan since I was 6, even when they went 3-13 two years in a row.

If Duke doesn't go to the Final Four, I think I might have to start watching curling or something.

The ultimate video

2006-01-13T15:18:00.000-05:00

What if..Smart Boards took over the school and turned it into a version of the Matrix?

Now we know.

Watch it.

Hmmmmm

2006-01-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

As much as I hate e-mail forwarding drek..
10 reasons Gay Marriage is wrong:

1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Decent exposure

2006-01-04T12:20:00.000-05:00

Mooning is declared "disgusting," but legal in Maryland.

This is what I like to hear!

Broadway Joe

2006-01-03T19:32:00.000-05:00

Joe Namath, you awful tease!

Harrowing

2006-01-02T23:15:00.000-05:00

I just sent my online Common Application to Duke...

40 minutes before the deadline.

Not recommended. At all.

I am a very, very bad example for the children.

Brevity

2006-01-02T15:23:00.000-05:00

I copied and pasted all my posts here into a Word doc for backup because I'm a journalistic packrat (I have stacks and stacks of Times and Newsweeks in my room), and checked the word count: 29,458 words in 105 pages. That's a disgusting pile of text. All those words, wasted on cynical criticism? But at least I'm nothing compared to hack fantasy writer Robert Jordan, the most depraved perpetrator of text pollution the world may ever know.

Serenity

2006-01-01T17:04:00.000-05:00

Star Wars, the original swashbuckling sci-fi blockbuster, grossed $775M worldwide.

Serenity, a far truer successor to the original Star Wars films than the prequel trilogy, grossed $38M worldwide.

I'm not saying that Serenity is as good as Star Wars was, but it's much better than that commercialized bullshit George Lucas called Episodes I, II and III.

Have the times changed? Or was Universal's publicity campaign simply a piece of shit?

Either way, you'd be crazy to not at least rent Serenity.

Acceptance

2005-12-30T15:49:00.000-05:00

Today THE Ohio State University notified me that they have, after a surely lengthy debate spanning the two weeks since I applied on the 15th, deigned to offer me admission. This is no miracle.

I am also reputed to have been accepted early into an even more prestigious institution, Notre Dame. This, on the other hand, would be a minor miracle akin to the Immaculate Conception. Such untold glory came, perhaps, straight from the hand of God himself. I don't know how the school's admissions department works, but I would be extremely surprised to find myself admitted into Notre Dame given that I have never visited the school, spoken especially kindly of it, or even sent in an application for admission.

Although Notre Dame topped the Princeton Review's rankings of homophobic schools in 2003 and 2004, it slipped to second place this year. Notre Dame has another prestigious 2-year streak to its name: in 1946 and 1947, it captured college football national championships before losing out to Michigan in '48. But worry not, homophobes of the green and gold! In 1949, the university reclaimed its pigskin throne. Perhaps next year will herald a like return to power for the Fighting Irish!

And I discover that I, wholly unaware, have been accepted to this school, where the students drink not shitty bitter beer but the very blood of Christ himself, according to a compatriot of mine who intends to attend. What glorious tidings! Oh frabjous day! Calloo. Callay! I chortle in my joy.

Ah, but our joy is dead, and only smiles on us.

Twin Cinema

2005-12-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

The New Pornographers are my new favorite band. They join the likes of Modest Mouse, the Shins, and the Beatles. That's pretty good company in my book.

The interestingly-named Canadian supergroup's first two albums, Mass Romantic and Electric Version, were eclectic, swirling blends of power pop indie rock. Both were filled with songs that, if popularity reflected actual pop quality, should have risen to the tops of the charts. The band's newest effort, Twin Cinema, is its best yet. Their prior two were great, but always felt vaguely flawed.

Twin Cinema isn't. Mass Romantic and Electic Version sometimes felt disconnected, like the band wasn't always able to reconcile its ability to craft exhilarating poppy songs within the context of a single album's focus. Twin Cinema is a more cohesive work and a better album than its predecessors.

Twin Cinema is, quite simply, the shit. Pick it up.

A long time

2005-12-29T13:28:00.000-05:00

The one Cincinnatian out there who doesn't like Carson Palmer will have to find a new team, because the Bengals just signed the budding stud to a contract extension through 2014.

I'll be 26 in 2014. Palmer will be 35.

Next is locking up Chad..

Wrong way

2005-12-27T23:50:00.000-05:00

Why are there signs that say WRONG WAY in the very middle of the highway, between the two roads? Wouldn't it be more helpful to put them on the left side so that they would actually be of some use?

Am I crazy?

I don't think so.

Dulce et decorum est

2005-12-27T23:33:00.000-05:00

My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

- Wilfred Owen

A nice stanza for dear old George.

Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.
=
It is sweet and proper to die for (one's) fatherland.

The worst

2005-12-27T15:01:00.000-05:00

The Notebook is the worst movie ever.

I offer no proof save the strength of my conviction.

Lovely Maria

2005-12-24T22:10:00.000-05:00

Here's a choice blast from the past.

Tennis fan and former Russian president Boris Yeltsin is recovering from hip surgery after taking a fall while watching the US Open. Yeltsin and wife Naina were staying up late to watch the Maria Sharapova-Nadia Petrova match, then afterwards slipped and fell in the dark en route to bed. Hospital officials say Yeltsin must stay for two weeks after the surgery, but per his inquiry, say the 74-year-old could be back to playing tennis in six months.

Yeah, I' m sure that he hurt his hip watching Sharapova in the dark because he "slipped." C'mon, Boris, just say she's hot as hell. We both know it's true.

The poor child

2005-12-23T12:19:00.000-05:00

What would you do if your name was Chris Porn?

At Purdue..

2005-12-22T17:17:00.000-05:00

It's always Spooner Time!

It's "ee-raahn"

2005-12-19T21:27:00.000-05:00

..And what about Iran?

In the past couple weeks the nutso fundamentalist nation has both denied the existence of the Holocaust and outlawed Western music.

PR bullshit, to be sure, but as Iran supposedly nears nuclear capability, I think it might be somewhat worrisome.

And now do we see what happens when religion is entwined with the state? The whole Middle East (including Israel) is a first-class example of the fallacy of the combination of church and government.

Just a thought.

Mentality

2005-12-15T21:01:00.000-05:00

"Our awareness is all that is alive and maybe sacred in any of us. Everything else about us is dead machinery."
- Kurt Vonnegut in Breakfast of Champions

If you ever wanted to know anything about me..

The Mariemont Tales

2005-12-13T23:26:00.000-05:00

'Twas late in Terrace Park one night

When we three would plan a flour fight.

Chase, Evan, and that one Toast child,

Into a van they all did pile

And set their course for UDF,

A favored store of gourmet chefs,

And through the doors we did advance.

And not upon a happenstance,

Young Nathan called with utmost cheer,

"Who the hell's gonna buy the beer?!"

We chided him with lustful glee,

"Don't drink too much, you'll have to pee!"

We stalked the aisles in search of flour,

Ten pounds worth of firepower.

We left the store two Lincolns down,

But then beset upon the town.

We charged into the schoolhouse lot,

Place of torment for tiny tots.

Armed with flour and our evil plans,

We left behind Toast's poopy van.

Evan did loft his flour-bag high,

Aimed straight at Toast's prodigious thighs,

But on the ground did hit his flour;

He gave the grass a milk-white shower.

"Let's run like hell!" Chase then did scream,

"A place of danger this does seem!

Let's take a stroll upon the streets,

And throw our flour at those we meet!"

Chase ran ahead in frenzied flight:

His rampage was a fearful sight.

Countless joggers tasted our wrath,

We gave them all an off-white bath.

Then Evan made a grave mistake;

With this bag, bread he did not bake,

Instead he hit a nearby cop,

He heading to the donut shop,

With this great strike he was knocked out.

"Great golly jeepers!" Toast did shout;

"Let's jack his car," cried Chase, quite lame,

"I've seen this all within a game!"

Unlicensed Evan took the wheel,

Flooring the gas, the tires did squeal.

Cruising down the Ivy League lanes,

Of glee we were a hurricane!

But then the cops came out in force,

Some took to tanks, others to horse.

From his pants, Toast then produced

A rocket launcher worn from use,

With which he did defend our car;

We reached our last, sixth warning star!

And then the chopper came for us,

Flown by one who rode the short bus.

We all went down, ablaze in fire,

Within seconds we did expire.

The moral of this tragic tale:

If you run from cops, never fail

To save your game along the way,

(Oh listen to us, truth we spray)

Or you'll never build a tower,

A monument of milk-white flour.

I <3 Ann

2005-12-13T12:12:00.000-05:00

Top 5 Searches (on MSN.com)
1. Richard Pryor
2. Steve Martin
3. Santa Claus trivia
4. World's ugliest dog
5. Ann Coulter

But..number 4 and number 5 are exactly the same!!

Advertising flaws

2005-12-12T22:11:00.000-05:00

Another unfortunate side-effect of the holiday season is the ridiculous inundation of jewelry commercials. I was watching the pointless Saints-Falcons Monday night game when I had the pleasure of viewing yet another Kay Jewelers advertisement. I pretty much zoned out until I heard the tagline:

"Because gold is the one language everyone understands."

What the fuck!? I thought "every kiss begins with Kay" was already sufficiently absurd in its dual nature. Kay clearly thinks it's clever, but I'm not so sure. You end up with two possible conclusions: that jewelry makes women horny, or that, in fact, the word "kiss" begins with a 'k'. Which is stupider? You decide.

Evidently Kay Jewelers wasn't satisfied, so they went back to the drawing board and reached a new apex of idiocy. Now Kay tells us that, in fact, every person is motivated by the allure of shiny things. I didn't know that.

So now jewelry companies are beyond the "give her gems and you'll get some" idea and have fully embraced the cynical theories of Machiavelli. I suppose the honesty is refreshing, but it's more than a little unsettling.

Radix malorum est cupiditas.

It's funny, because someone could probably tell Kay that that means "the search for gold is the way to happiness," and they'd use it in their commercials. That would be almost as good as the time McDonalds used the Shins' "New Slang" in an ad.

Here's a choice sampling of the song's lyrics:

New slang when you notice the stripes,
The dirt in your fries.

And then..

God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,
And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.

In an interview, the band's main singer, James Mercer, commented, "You know, it’s funny, that whole thing was just an ad agency that McDonald’s hired to do a “hip commercial,” or whatever. So the kid who offered the whole thing up to us was a Shins fan. So I think there was a little bit of…. Yeah. He knew. [Laughs]"

There's something terribly wrong in the wild world of advertising.

Richard Pryor

2005-12-10T16:39:00.000-05:00

It seems like all the funny people just keep dying.

Senioritis

2005-12-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

Every day it becomes harder and harder to do homework or pay attention in school.

I'd say I have senioritis, but I've been pulling this "do just enough to get by" shit for three years.

Senioritis is so cool!!!! It's so awesome to think it's great not to want to do anything at all!!

No.

We hate Christmas

2005-12-08T18:51:00.000-05:00

It's come time to dispel an ugly rumor:

Non-Christians (namely, atheists or agnostics) hate Christmas and want to remove Christianity from America.

I thought this would be an obvious untruth, but recent observation disagrees with conventional logic.

It celebrates the birth of Christ, but it's also a day of joy in general. I celebrate Christmas. I'm not a Christian.

Why? Well, Christ was a pretty awesome guy. Being agnostic doesn't make me despise Jesus; in fact, I think that a lot of times I understand and value his lessons better than some Christians (e.g., Pat Robertson). Anyone rational can find a whole lot to like in Christ's teachings.

Christmas isn't just a religious day, either. In Japan, it serves as a sort of Valentine's Day. Like it or not, Christmas has become secularized with an identity that transcends its traditional status as a Christian holiday.

As long as I can remember, the months of November and December have been marked with news stories chronicling the struggles of "courageous" individuals to force businesses to say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays."

The whole argument is stupid. Businesses should feel free to recognize that this is, in fact, the Christmas, not Kwanzaa or Hanukkah, season. Around 75% of Americans are Christians, and I'd assume the rest can either deal with the truth, celebrate the secular portion of the holiday, or take their business elsewhere. On the other hand, refusing to patronize a business because it wishes you "happy holidays" is equally absurd.

It's a bunch of noise about nothing. This is disappointingly common.

However, it's ridiculous for government to recognize Christmas. A business doesn't need to represent the entire population; however, that is the government's responsibility. Uncle Sam saying "happy holidays" isn't going to kill anybody; it, as opposed to the aforementioned case, is a necessary sacrifice at the altar of political correctness.

This whole matters segues into the greater question of separation of church and state. Some would say that putting the Ten Commandments in front of a school doesn't hurt anyone. A common argument: "But it's not taking away from anybody else, and the lessons are applicable to everyone!" Let's take a look at the first two commandments:

"I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt..." - This commandment is to believe in the existence of God.
"You shall have no other gods besides Me...Do not make a sculpted image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above..."

For some reason, that seems just a little bit exclusive. Should the government be officially supporting this by having a monument for it on governmental property (i.e., public schools)? I don't think so.

Some would say that it's not actually hurting anyone. But where does this end? With crosses adorning the schools? With Bible classes in public schools? Neither of these are intrinsically wrong, in the sense that no one is actually injured, but the resulting constriction of freedom of thought is far worse. Will we fall down the slippery slope of religiosity?

End lesson:

Religion + government = bad

Religion + anyone else = whatever, dude

Speaking of people stupider than I am..

2005-12-08T08:45:00.000-05:00

That Ann Coulter sure knows how to work the crowds.

STORRS, Connecticut (AP) -- Conservative
columnist Ann Coulter cut short a speech at the University of Connecticut amid
boos and jeers, and decided to hold a question-and-answer session
instead.

"I love to engage in repartee with people who
are stupider than I am," Coulter told the crowd of 2,600 Wednesday.

Ann Coulter is my favorite person.

It's easy to be the champ

2005-12-06T21:49:00.000-05:00

Duke wins, the Colts win, the Bengals win, Mariemont wins.

Last weekend reeks of victory.

Idaho

2005-12-05T19:32:00.000-05:00

Straight from Wikipedia.com, courtesy of Maddox:

Idaho is perhaps the only state to be named as the result of a hoax. When a name was being selected for new territory, eccentric lobbyist George M. Willing suggested "Idaho," an Indian term he claimed meant "gem of the mountains". It was later revealed Willing had made up the name himself from a bad English version of "I the ho", and the original Idaho territory was re-named Colorado because of it. Eventually the controversy was forgotten, and modern-day Idaho was given the made-up name when the Idaho Territory was formally created in 1863.

I spit hot fire.

Design and Dinosaurs

2005-12-01T19:24:00.000-05:00

Do you believe that Jesus rode a dinosaur? While most scientists would frown on such absurdity, many people have apparently come to the conclusion that it is a distinct possibility. ChristianCourier.com, a popular Christian fundamentalist website, asserts the existence of "a growing body of evidence that dinosaurs and humans were contemporary." That would certainly be an interesting topic of discussion in history class. However, an active movement of the religious right is attempting to have statements that are equally legally ridiculous taught in public schools. The "intelligent design" movement, which states that the universe is too complicated and "perfect" to have occurred without divine creation, supposedly favors no religion. However, it usually ends up favoring the same approach that leads people to believe that Jesus and dinosaurs could have coexisted. While the majority of those in favor of the teaching of intelligent design are not nearly so radical, the movement itself carries a distinct tinge of right-wing Christian fundamentalism, as a quick history lesson reveals.

The infamous Scopes trial of 1925, in which John Scopes, the ACLU and Clarence Darrow fought a Tennessee law banning the teaching of evolution in public schools, was the first major event to bring widespread public attention to the battle over public education and evolution. However, the Scopes trial ended with the Supreme Court punting the issue over a technicality; it was not until the Epperson v. Arkansas ruling of 1968 that the Court ruled such bans unlawful due to the Establishment Clause of the Constitution, which forbids integration of state and religion. In the 1987 Edwards v. Aguillard decision, the Court struck down a Louisiana law mandating the teaching of creation science along with evolution.

These unfavorable rulings led to the formation of the intelligent design movement of the early 1990s. The same faction that fought for creationism's teaching realized that the Court would never accept that approach, and saw the need for a new line of attack. Of Pandas and People, a textbook supporting intelligent design, was first published in 1989 and quickly became an emblem of the movement. However, the book clearly displays the group's true intent: an earlier draft compared to the published copy shows "creationism" and "creationist" to have been replaced by "intelligent design" and "intelligent design proponent," respectively.

A favorite argument of the intelligent design movement cites Darwin's theory of evolution's status as merely a "theory," and reasons that that makes it less probable and therefore less valid for teaching in schools. But is atomic theory any less provable because it's a "theory"? Is music theory possibly incorrect? Why aren't Beethoven and Mozart held to as much stringent criticism as Darwin? It's probably because anyone who argues in this fashion doesn't understand that scientific theories are, as Wikipedia.com defines them, "typically ways of explaining why things happen, usually after the fact that they happen is no longer in scientific dispute."

While the theory of evolution is certainly not absolutely correct, its basic ideals are agreed upon by the majority of the scientific community. For the Edwards v. Aguillard case, 72 Nobel prize-winning scientists, 17 state academies of science, and 7 other scientific organizations filed an amicus curiae describing creationism as rooted in religion instead of science. Intelligent design, though it supposedly has no specific religious origins, shares many of creationism's essential tenets. It simply fails to specify who the creator is. But most importantly, intelligent design itself lacks substantial scientific proof. While it does indeed point out several potential flaws in evolutionary theory, it offers little systematic substantiation beyond mere anecdotal evidence. It simply is not true science, and consequently not fit for teaching in public schools.

Recently, Kansas and Pennsylvania have become flashpoints in the continual clash over evolution and intelligent design. The Kansas state school board, joining the Ohio, New Mexico, and Minnesota schools boards in sentiment, earlier this month voted to include in its curriculum expectations that students receive information regarding the "gaps" in evolutionary theory. This wasn't something new for Kansas- in 1999 a conservative board eliminated all references to evolution from its curriculum. Although in 2000 that group had been voted out of office, recent elections put another bloc of conservatives in power.

In 2004 the Dover, Pennsylvania school board voted to include a statement in their curriculum that asserted that evolutionary theory is "not a fact," and offered a copy of Of Pandas and People to any student who was "interested" in intelligent design. This quickly sparked the Kitzmiller v. Dover Area School District case, which began this November. The Dover School District, while it argued that its intentions were not religious, was represented by the Thomas More Law Center which works for "the religious freedom of Christians and time-honored family values." The judge has not yet ruled on the case and will supposedly issue a decision by early January. Meanwhile, eight of the nine Dover board members that had been involved in the controversial action were voted out of office, replaced by Democratic opponents. Conservative Christian blowhard Pat Robertson commented, "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city." He advised them, in case of emergency, to instead call on Charles Darwin for aid. Whether this qualifies as a recommendation of sacrilege is yet to be seen.

It is clearly evident that intelligent design is inextricably caught up in the religious right. It is simply not constitutionally appropriate for teaching as science in public schools. ChristianCourier.com said in defense of its dinosaur theory, "We are not dependent upon modern discoveries to confirm that for us. However, when clear evidence does come to light, we should not hesitate to accept it." Until clear evidence comes to light, intelligent design is not valid science.

Existential

2005-11-27T16:54:00.000-05:00

I experienced a few fantastic works over Thanksgiving break.

Drew and I were going to rent Se7en or Snatch from Hollywood Video, but of course it no longer carries either on DVD. They have shelves stocked full of multiple copies of complete cinematic trash, but offering fairly recent, popular and critically acclaimed movies is apparently not in the cards.

Anyway, Drew recommended American Beauty, which I'd always thought was just a random romantic comedy. I don't mind being wrong when the movie in question turns out to be excellent.

Directly afterward, our friend brought over Donnie Darko. Besides being an incredible film, it filled out the whole suburban dystopia theme of the night- the main suburban stereotype that American Beauty doesn't really explain is the teenage boy. I'd say Donnie Darko does a pretty good job of that.

The next day I read Watchmen, a graphic novel that transcends the expected limitations of the medium of the "comic book." Time recently included Watchmen in its list of the all-time top 100 novels. They're correct.

Does he have a beer gut too?

2005-11-23T14:07:00.000-05:00

Buddha's back?

Sounds like wishful thinking.

Wow, that was brilliant commentary from yours truly.

Frigid

2005-11-23T12:06:00.000-05:00

Snow kicks ass.

That is all.

Evil signs

2005-11-21T18:15:00.000-05:00

I'd have to say that this excuse ranks right up there with "the CIA told me so."

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) -- Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra has said he will not answer reporters' questions until next year because the alignment of the planets is not in his favor.

Hmm, I wonder what my horoscope is today?

Gemini

Unexpected obstacles -- the kind that seem to come out of nowhere -- will be everywhere, but don't be irritated. The Universe occasionally forces us to sit still every now and then, even when we really don't want to.

At least that's better than half the fortune cookies out there that have advice, not fortunes. Seriously, if your job is just to write those little fortunes, and you can't even do that, you might just be a failure.

Anyway, I'd say that horoscopes are totally ridiculous mysticism, but my astrological signs actually describe me pretty well. Freaky.

Madonna is dumb

2005-11-18T18:02:00.000-05:00

Madonna defends Tom Cruise:

"I don't really know what Scientology is, and because I don't know, I'm not in a position to have an opinion about it. But I don't think anybody else knows, either. They need to shut the fuck up."

Oh, believe me, Madonna, we know all too well what Scientology is.

Since you don't even know what your own joke religion is, Kabbalah, I think it would be best if you spent your time writing quality lyrics like this, from your newest album:

you push me!
to go the extra mile
you push me!
when it's difficult to smile
you push me!
a better version of myself
you push me!
only you and no one else
you push me!
see the other point of view
you push me!
when there's nothing else to do
you push me!
when I think I know it all
You push me!
when I stumble and I fall

What quality stuff.

The 7th Floor Crew

2005-11-18T08:57:00.000-05:00

The 7th Floor Crew has crafted a gangsta masterpiece.

A few days ago, the Miamity.com blog posted the song, which had been created two years before by a group of Miami Hurricanes football players (many of whom are now juniors or seniors). Somehow, the hilariously offensive rap rhapsody worked its way through the internet and into the hands of ESPN, which in turn created a scandal and forced U of Miami to apologize.

ESPN has decided that the University of Miami, affectionately known as "The U," can be held accountable for a song created on students' own time and for private use. Pat Forde, an ESPN columnist, charged the players with ruining five years of work to eliminate the U's "thug image."

The mid-range SAT score of Miami admittees is 1360, and the average GPA is 4.0. Those are some smart thugs.

It's absurd that this is even an issue. ESPN needed a story, and Pat Forde needed a platform from which he could deride the so-called "misogynistic music" of the 7th Floor Crew.

Neither the players nor the university should apologize. The university cannot be responsible for such acts, while the players simply have no need to. It's clearly a joke. Anyone who gasps in indignation at the lyrics needs to seriously reconsider their sense of humor, or at least make an appointment with a proctologist, because they've for sure got something stuck up their ass.

Political correctness sucks.

Awww

2005-11-17T19:24:00.000-05:00

On a happier note, here's a blast from the past (i.e. about a year and a half ago).

Poor Spooner.

Don't you feel sorry for him?

People are disgusting

2005-11-17T09:20:00.000-05:00

Pedophilia is revolting. However, it appears that pedophiles from Japan to Cincinnati have found "creative" ways of sating their "needs."

Our first specimen, from Kyodo, Japan, is a coach who forced his 10-to-12 years old girls basketball team to run nude as "punishment." Right. Well, he probably practiced this in a Japanese arcade game, so I'm not really surprised. Japan, which also brought us the fantastic Boonga Boonga ass-poking simulator, might just be a breeding ground for perversion.

Next up is someone right here in Price Hill of Cincinnati. 62 year old repeat sexual offender Doug Smith decided building a haunted house that "included a mirrored floor that would have allowed Smith to look underneath children's costumes, and a maze that would have allowed him to fondle kids" would be a fantastic idea. Smith even sent out flyers advertising his little "project."

That's just fucked up. Creative, but fucked up. I kind of (but, on second thought, not really) want to know how this idea came to him. Was he sitting eating his morning Special K when he thought, "Today I'm going to build a haunted house so I can touch kids!" I don't know why he wasted so much time- he could have just joined the Catholic priesthood.

So what have we learned today? People are fucked up everywhere!

Conan vs. Norris

2005-11-15T22:18:00.000-05:00

Conan takes on Walker: Texas Ranger.

Walker wins!

#2000

2005-11-14T20:49:00.000-05:00

Hit #2000 for the Patriot Alarm is ever-nearing, and it made me think of just how long I've been writing this stuff. Usually I'd drop something of this sort fairly quickly, so I'd consider it amazing that I've spent almost a whole year on a blog.

I wonder how long I'll keep going?

Cure

2005-11-13T13:53:00.000-05:00

This is some good news concerning the fight against AIDS.

And they say all I do is complain.

Introductions

2005-11-11T21:16:00.000-05:00

And here is another excellent video production.

No caveats this time: it's just totally sweet.

Listen to the man

2005-11-09T20:34:00.000-05:00

The interminable Terrell Owens saga reminded me of one of my favorite football anecdotes.

Minnesota's controversial wide receiver was fined $10,000 Thursday by the NFL for pretending to pull down his pants and moon the Green Bay crowd during a playoff win last weekend.

...

Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?"
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."

Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"

Moss: "Straight cash, homey."

Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"

Moss: "No, cause it ain't [expletive]. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't [expletive] … Next time I might shake my [expletive]."

Peter Hadhazy, the league's director of game operations, penalized Moss for unsportsmanlike conduct for the end-zone antics in a letter released by the NFL.

Maybe T.O. could learn something from Randy Moss.

Nate Livingston

2005-11-09T19:50:00.000-05:00

I was amazed to see that people actually care about Cincinnati politics. Other than laughing at Leslie Ghiz's monotone, sleep-inducing ads, I find it incredibly difficult to pay attention to the whole mess.

Still, I really liked the fact that Nate Livingston's Black Cincinnati blog supported Sam Malone's candidacy for City Council. Yes, the same Sam Malone who beat his son with a belt so severely that he sent the kid to the hospital. Discipline is great, but I'm pretty sure that child abuse is not the answer. Granted, the White House seems to support the use of torture, but since when did any rational person look to the GOP for moral guidance?

Anyway, the point is that Livingston clearly supported Sam Malone primarily because he's black. I also doubt that Livingston's Unite Cincinnati PAC consists of more than himself and a couple of friends. He portrays himself as the sensible voice for the black Cincinnatian, but I suspect he's guilty of so-called reverse racism (which is, by the way, an incredibly stupid piece of terminology that assumes only minorities experience racism).

What a mess.

Intelligence

2005-11-09T18:14:00.000-05:00

8 of the 9 members of the Pennsylvania school board that brought intelligent design into science classes lost in yesterday's election. Score one for common sense. Bush unsurprisingly supports the teaching of quasi-religious nonsense in schools. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell him that supporting intelligent design doesn't make you intelligent. Sorry, George, you're not getting out of this one that easily.

In other far less important news, upside-down Christmas trees are apparently going to be all the rage this holiday season. Speaking from the heart, I must say that this development is fucking stupid. Why would you need the extra space under the tree unless you're giving your kids five bikes, a pony and the complete collection of Neil Young? The trees just look ridiculous. It's almost like Virginia Tech's atrocious mismatched-sleeve jerseys: all aesthetic sensibilities sacrificed at the altar of "uniqueness" (or at least the cult of the swoosh, in Tech's case). I would understand if the parents had bought an XBox, though. Those things are huge.

Field goal

2005-11-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

So, so close..but so, so far.

And it was in Ohio!

National Honor Society

2005-11-05T00:24:00.000-05:00

National Honor Society may be the most pointless school group ever.

No, according to our sponsor, it's not just a "club" or an "extracurricular." It's more than that!

Yeah, right.

NHS is a huge joke. Does membership mean anything when over a third of the class is accepted?

And even if we assume that my class is academically superior to both our predecessors and successors (of whom far fewer were accepted), what does NHS even do?

In my year of membership, there have been four major activities the group has participated in.

The reason for anyone bothering to join goes back to what seems to guide so much of high school: college admissions. I suppose that it gives admissions officers something of a basic benchmark, but its usefulness in that regard is severely limited.

Isn't NHS supposed to both recognize the "best" and spur them to aid the community? If so, why don't we seem to actually do anything?

NHS provides an excellent opportunity. It's sad to see it so terribly wasted.

Soul Tunes

2005-11-04T19:18:00.000-05:00

A totally sweet digital video production.

Ignore the weak start, it gets better.

Marmaduke

2005-11-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

What a fine new blog, created by one of the biggest fans of Marmaduke that I know.

A splendid effort.

Halloween

2005-10-31T21:06:00.000-05:00

Drew and I went trick-or-treating as Bill Clinton and George Bush Sr.

How darling is that?

The King

2005-10-30T18:25:00.000-05:00

I do believe that this moment was the best part of the Bengals game today.

I can't wait for Burger King to do a version of that.

The future is empty?

2005-10-30T12:38:00.000-05:00

Last night, before we saw the (totally sweet) Wallace & Gromit movie, we went to a hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant. Everything was all good..

Until my fortune cookie had no fortune.

It was just empty!

What does this mean!?

Censorship rocks!

2005-10-26T21:48:00.000-04:00

What winners.

School Orders Students to Remove Blogs

By WAYNE PARRY, Associated Press Writer2 hours, 5 minutes ago

A Roman Catholic high school has ordered its students to remove their online diaries from the Internet, citing a threat from cyberpredators.

Students at Pope John XXIII Regional High School in Sparta appear to be heeding a directive from the principal, the Rev. Kieran McHugh.

McHugh told them in an assembly earlier this month to remove any personal journals they might have or risk suspension. Web sites popular with teens include myspace.com and xanga.com.

Officials with the Diocese of Paterson say the directive is a matter of safety, not censorship. No one has been disciplined yet, said Marianna Thompson, a diocesan spokeswoman.

She said the ban has been on the books for five years but is only now being strictly enforced. Thompson said students aren't being silenced but rather told that they cannot post online writings about school or their personal lives.

A search of both myspace.com and xanga.com Wednesday by The Associated Press found no postings by users who mentioned the school. Profiles posted by other users include photos and detailed personal information on topics such as musical tastes, body measurements and sexual history.

Kurt Opsahl of the San Francisco-based Electronic Frontier Foundation, which champions the rights of bloggers, said there have been several attempts by private institutions elsewhere to restrict or censor students' Internet postings.

"But this is the first time we've heard of such an overreaction," he said. "It would be better if they taught students what they should and shouldn't do online rather than take away the primary communication tool of their generation."

Thompson said parents of students who enroll in the schools sign contracts governing student behavior, including responsible Internet use.

That could dilute the students' free speech claims somewhat, acknowledged Ed Barocas, legal director for the American Civil Liberties Union of New Jersey.

"The rights of students at private schools are far different than those of public schools because administrators at public schools are agents of government," he said. "That's not the case here."

Bush's choice

2005-10-25T19:24:00.000-04:00

I don't know anyone who likes Bush's choice of Harriet Miers for Supreme Court Justice.

He's really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one.

Bronson visits

2005-10-24T21:24:00.000-04:00

Peter Bronson, the conservative Cincinnati Enquirer columnist whom I had previously viciously castigated, visited my AP Government class on Friday. He was evasive and presumptuous, but I found (and was actually a little saddened) that he isn't nearly as big of an asshole in real life. I guess he saves it for his columns?

I, on the other hand, am far more of a dick in real life.

Does that make him better than me?

Brilliant

2005-10-24T17:31:00.000-04:00

He was injured. Injured bad.

Choir

2005-10-22T17:45:00.000-04:00

One of the greatest videos I have ever seen.

Trucked

2005-10-19T19:30:00.000-04:00

He should be more careful with his body.

Kids love to be tricked!

2005-10-19T17:54:00.000-04:00

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

- Jack Handey

Glorious

2005-10-17T20:30:00.000-04:00

The one year I pay any pretense of attention to pro football, I am handsomely rewarded by 5-1 and (hopefully) 6-0 records from the Bengals and the Colts.

I guess that's one good thing in the mess of senior year.

08

2005-10-12T21:35:00.000-04:00

Both John Kerry and Hillary Clinton are considering runs for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2008.

If either win, I'm voting for John McCain.

Kerry: He didn't win last year, and what's going to be any different this time? Four years don't erase the glaring gaps on his resume. Hindsight is 20/20, and he doesn't look like the best choice for the presidency. He was better that Bush, but that doesn't say very much.

Clinton: Too polarizing, and judging by her recent actions she's just trying to jump on the centrist bandwagon. I still don't think she really has any idea concerning what's actually going on. I still agree with her at-best ambiguous (and centrist) position on abortion, as I said a while ago, but it's far too little, and about 10 years too late. The whole health care scandal back in 1994 pretty much ruined her.

Unfortunately, none of the other Democratic candidates are well-known. I doubt that Bayh or Feingold can win the nomination, so where does that leave the party?

I wish I knew.

Good thing I'm not actually a Democrat.

Chad Johnson

2005-10-11T20:48:00.000-04:00

Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and that #85 will always be open.

Wilma

2005-10-11T01:07:00.000-04:00

Which scares you more:

Hurricane Wilma or Hurricane Gamma?

Once Wilma occurs, the National Hurricane Center will be all out of happy-sounding hurricane monikers and be forced to use Greek names.

What a fucked up year.

A History of Violence

2005-10-09T14:11:00.000-04:00

A History of Violence was a pretty cool movie.

It was full of ridiculous comic book stereotypes (go figure, it came from a graphic novel), but it was still good.

Although..it remains to be seen if most people will get the film's ultimate moral.

Here's a hint: Quentin Tarantino actually hates violence.

I have a feeling that David Cronenberg, A History's director, feels about the same way.

Liar, liar

2005-10-08T10:37:00.000-04:00

Karl Rove, you are such a bad, bad boy.

Didn't your parents teach you not to lie?

The savages

2005-10-06T21:36:00.000-04:00

I want to go to Southeastern Oklahoma State University.

What could be more fun than being a Savage?

At least, that is, until the NCAA bitches and moans and they change such a deliciously offense nickname (preferably to the Palefaces, of course).

Southeastern Oklahoma State University.

That's quite a name.

My parents went to Southwestern Missouri State University, so what can I say?

Then again, it's just Missouri State now that the Missouri legislature realized that it's not that hard to realize that Missouri State and U of Missouri aren't the same thing.

Because Florida, Ohio, Iowa, North Carolina and pretty much every other state had such a problem with that.

Clearly.

Coast

2005-10-04T20:29:00.000-04:00

A heartless, hopeless homesick town
Spins and turns itself around
Shouldn't matter at all
Cause the film is all we need.

It's good reason
To secede.
Well, a second session
Excited me.

Watch those eyes and
Follow them into the sea.

We'll hear the sense
Of the crooked mess
Once we find the rest
Inside the sea.

Humanism

2005-10-03T19:38:00.000-04:00

So I'm a humanist.

Humanism is an active ethical and philosophical approach to life focusing on human solutions to human issues through rational arguments without recourse to a god, gods, sacred texts or religious creeds. Humanism has become a kind of implied ethical doctrine ("-ism") whose sphere is expanded to include the whole human ethnicity, as opposed to traditional ethical systems which apply only to particular ethnic groups.

Not that it's really a surprise, given that I decided a year ago that this title applied to me.

Einstein, Cicero, Plato, Thomas Paine, Voltaire and Vonnegut were humanists.

It can't be too bad.

Unsafe at any speed

2005-10-03T18:24:00.000-04:00

Hollywood, wear a rubber, please.

A cookie to whoever gets the reference in the title.. we do love our obscure references.

Tap that shit

2005-10-03T17:59:00.000-04:00

This is some whacked-out stuff right here.

Athletic

2005-10-02T19:34:00.000-04:00

Why do colleges give admissions preference and scholarships to athletes of inconsequential sports (as in, not revenue-producing)?

Unless a school's team in such a sport is nationally known, what's the point? What does it add to the college?

So many questions.

Are there any answers?

Blur

2005-10-01T23:24:00.000-04:00

Blur is a fucking amazing band, and Parklife is an incredible album.

I still can't get over the fact that the same guy, Damon Albarn, heads both them and the Gorillaz. He is my hero.

Their stuff is definitely worth at least a download. Check out "London Loves" or "Magic America."

That's right.

2005-09-29T21:19:00.000-04:00

Always a classic.

Skip Bayless is trash

2005-09-29T17:10:00.000-04:00

Skip Bayless says that "soccer permanently contaminated football."

What a joke.

Invasion

2005-09-28T21:49:00.000-04:00

I don't really watch TV, so I don't see any of the celebrated shows like Lost or Arrested Development. Last week, though, USA Today had a glowing review of Invasion, and I decided to end my boycott and tune in.

It was surprisingly good and I'm actually going to watch it again tonight. I guess I'll have to give up my pretense of being apathetic to television, with the exception of SportsCenter.

What a shame.

Maybe it actually is a viable source of meaningful entertainment?